Love and loss

Heartache is on my mind today. Someone I care about is going through a divorce, someone else I love may be moving away, and the memory of my mom is especially present today.

I feel lost, drifting, unable to offer advice or meaningful assistance. All I have to offer is moral support. I googled How to support a friend through divorce, and found numerous lists of do’s and don’ts. I probably should have googled that back when my brother got divorced, it might have helped me preserve our relationship. Too late now.

Speaking of family, I miss my sil lately. Not the most recent version, all stressed and angry and lashing out, but the older (younger?) version. The woman with cornsilk hair and a quiet observational calm and a sly, smirkingly subtle sense of humor. I miss her clever wit, her unpredictable generosity, and even her prickly standoffishnish. I miss her children and her husband.

Maybe it’s because of all the outdoor family time we’ve been having, and it reminds me of the outdoor activities we used to do with Missy and Sparky. Maybe it’s watching our puppy play, and remembering when Moose was that age. Maybe it’s watching Sirius grow old, and acting more and more reminiscent of Ginger. Maybe the distance has softened my memories of our disagreements. Maybe I’m just in a nostalgic mood.  It doesn’t really matter, I guess. It doesn’t change how they feel.

1997

are you ever afraid of love?
I am.
I’m afraid of falling so hard
I’ll hurt myself.
I’m afraid that I won’t love them enough —
or that I’ll love him too much.
I’m afraid they’ll leave me
to go somewhere else.
and I’m afraid that
it might just be physical —
that I will delude myself
emotionally.
I am afraid of hurting who I love.
Sometimes I’m afraid of hurting
who I hate.
I am afraid of being used
or of using someone.
I’m afraid of never discovering real love
or that I will discover it
and lose it.

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