gratitude journal 10-8-12

1. I’m grateful I’m not pregnant. I know, I know, I have my tubes tied. I don’t need to worry about it. But I still do — partly because pregnancy is still a risk, even with tied tubes. Something like 2% of women still get pregnant after a tubal (apparently the suckers can heal back together, and you only learn something is wrong if you turn up pregnant), and apparently ectopic pregnancies are “not rare” for a woman sterilized under age 30. Plus I’m a bit of a hypochondriac, so everytime my period is a titch late, I get super stressed thinking I have another surprise pregnancy (ectopic or viable). The stress probably doesn’t help with the lateness. So even though I’m cramping and feverish and nauseous right now, I’m really really grateful I’m not pregnant. At least there’s that.
   
2. I’m grateful that if I was pregnant, I live in a blue state. Where I live, I could get an abortion. There are no laws trying to restrict my right to choose what’s best for my health, my family, and my life. I am grateful for that, more grateful than words can say.
3. I’m grateful for John. Again. Well, on a daily basis, really. Today was the first day of my period, with all the attendant hormones. This is the day when tears are just a blink away, when a slightly stern voice or a stupid mistake on my part can start the faucet. I hate it. I hate it so much, and to make it worse if I do start crying, I’m trying so hard to stop and I can’t. It’s like my emotions and my tear ducts have a disconnect — like, I know, yes this thing was stressful but it’s not worth crying over, but I’m crying anyway. I loathe this particular day of my period. Well, I had a bad morning and the tears were threatening pretty much nonstop. I was doing spaced breathing and avoiding eye contact and keeping a tissue nearby. Then I took lunch. John came by and spent the entire time teasing and cracking jokes, until I was laughing and nowhere near tears. The afternoon was a breeze, and it ended up being a tolerably good day.
4. I’m grateful I had a big sister to teach me all about the make-ups. I probably would have learned eventually, but I’m glad I had a big sister to teach me all those girly-girl lessons about clothes and make-up and whatnot.
5.  I’m grateful today was bright and dry and pretty. Rain is forecast this weekend, after a long and dry summer, and I’m looking forward to that, too. But today was nice. When I was walking out to my car after work, I looked up at the bright pale blue of the sky and the thin  wisps cirrus, threading across the sky like scarves, and it was just so damn beautiful. I love this state.