earworm of the day

Today I had this stuck in my head all morning:

And Self Preservation, by the Lucksmiths, stuck in my head all afternoon. I can’t find a decent vid of Self Preservation; they all just seem to be the song with a still photo background, and what’s the point of that? This is one of those songs where I swear it feels like it was written for John and me. Every single line feels relevant to us and our lives/ experiences.

Breakfast, sat on a Japanese mattress
Getting this happy takes practice
The world would be duller without us

The first line pings with me because it bespeaks an experience of the world that’s a little bit outside western cultural norms, but is normal to the couple in question. John and I share a lot of those experiences. The line, “getting this happy takes practice” is a truism that I strongly believe in — I don’t think happiness (especially in relationships) is something that just “happens.”

I think it takes work and forgiveness and trying to put yourself in another’s shoes. I think it takes self-reflection, which can be really painful, and admitting when you’re wrong, and seeking forgiveness even when it’s embarrassing. I think it takes fighting for the relationship instead of to win some pointless fight.

And honestly, I do think the world — or at least my world, my life experience — would be duller without “us.” Without John, I would not be the person I am today, or enjoy the hobbies and experiences I do. And perhaps I flatter myself, but I do not think John would be the man he is today without my support and partnership.

Blacklist anyone who tries to attack this
They can say what they like but the fact is
They know nothing about us

This hits me right in the feels. I hate it when my family or former friends try to say I do this or that because John “made” me, or that I only think thus and such because John does. I hate it when people discount our individual decisions and choices, as though by dint of being a couple, we have lost our individuality.

One of the things that first attracted me to John was the way he treated me, as an equal worthy of respect and consideration. He didn’t talk down to me, or try and use me for sex. He’s always expected more of me than I’ve expected of myself, and believed in me more than I have myself. He’s taken up for me when I’ve thought the fight wasn’t worth it.

What’s even more amazing to me is that I’ve put forth the same amount of effort for John, which is something I’d never done in a romantic relationship before. But I support John 100%, I go to bat for him, I push him when he’s ready to give up, and I believe in him completely and utterly. Until John, I thought love — the kind you read about in books, with absolute commitment and overcoming all the hard times — was just a myth, a fairytale. Being married to John has taught me that kind of love, where you absolutely have each others backs, is absolutely real . . . and I’m lucky enough to have stumbled into it.

And, yeah, we’re a mess
But let me just stress
That we’re both at our best in a tight spot

This isn’t so relevant now, because we’re not a mess or in a tight spot anymore . . . but all the messes and tight spots we’ve pushed through in the past 10 years have certainly brought out the best (and worst) in our relationship. For better or for worse, we know where we stand and where our breaking points are, and we know we won’t break anytime soon.

And whatever comes next
If we leave the nest
Don’t settle for less than what we’ve got

You can’t predict the future, and if anything ever does happen that ends up with us apart — death or some other tragedy — well, John is the measurement by which any future relationship I have would succeed or fail.

Dive in: the summer is good to be alive in
Your boat was a long time arriving
And it’s been a while since I kissed you
Timing: the temperature’s high and it’s climbing

This verse, to me, just seems to capture the joyful and playful way I feel when we’re together. It’s always summertime when John’s around. It’s funny, every day he comes for lunch, and every day it’s a surprise to me. He keeps managing to find ways to surprise me. One of my co-workers saw the stupid big grin I get when I see him blossom across my face, and she started teasing me about it. Said I still smile like we just met and are on our first week of dating.

How did I find the bind I’m in?
You haven’t gone but I miss you

I don’t know how I found myself in this situation, all madly in love with my husband with a kid, a dog, and 3 cats. When I thought about my future at all, I thought I would be living alone in a loft in the city, writing books and chain-smoking, or that I’d be married to a some boring goody-two-shoes super-mormon guy and have 8 kids and a perfect-looking mormon facade of a life. The first vision filled me with wistful longing, because I didn’t think it could actually happen, and the second vision filled me with dread and fear, because it seemed all too likely to happen.

And, yeah, we’re a mess
But let me just stress
That we’re both at our best in a tight spot
And whatever comes next
If we leave the nest
Don’t settle for less than what we’ve got
And right, here’s what’s left
And we’ve worked with less
I just don’t get where the lines stop
Keep your cards pressed up close to your chest
And they’ll never guess the hand we’ve got

Blacklist anyone who tries to attack this
They can say what they like but the fact is
They know nothing about us

What can I say? Of all the things in my life, I’m most grateful for my husband. He’s the best.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s