unicorns, bisexuals, and facebook.

[redacted a whole section about a random FB disagreement, let’s get to the critique about Josh Weed’s Club Unicorn post]

I am somewhat disturbed about the fact that Josh Weed’s number one reason for choosing a traditional hetero relationship over his stated preference is because of religious belief, and I really, take issue with his resistance to the label “bisexual.”

The religion thing bothers me, I think, because of my own upbringing in the LDS religion. There were many experiences over the years that slowly took me down the path of truth, but the cumulative affect was that, well, the church is false.

Joseph Smith married girls as young as 14. He blackmailed the brethren into letting him sleep with their wives. Contrary to all the church martyr myths I was taught, Joseph Smith actually did defend himself in Carthage Jail that fateful night.

But that’s not all — it’s all the odd coincidences, too. Oh, what’s that, Emma Smith? You don’t like tobacco smoke and/ or spit? And “suddenly” the prophet gets revelation that will make his wife stop nagging him. Handy.

Oh, what’s that Utah? You want to become a state? And “suddenly” polygamy is no longer okay. Handy.

Oh, what’s that, LDS church? Civil Rights Act was passed in 1964, and in 1978 — 14 years later — god suddenly decided it was “time” to let blacks have the priesthood? It might have been a more convincing “prophesy” if it had preceded the Civil Rights Act. Just sayin’.

Check out the 1890 Manifesto sometime, though — it pretty clearly allows a loophole for polygamy to return. Maybe that’s why mormons are so scared of gay marriage — if gay marriage passes, who’s to say they won’t find themselves in the awkward position of trying to fight polyamorous relations next?

Anyway, the long and short of it is that religion seems mostly a tool to make good people do bad things. A lot of religious teachings tend to promote self-loathing, bigotry, and guilt. I can understand being part of a church for the community, or because you want to be involved in charity and don’t know how to find secular charities.

I understand religious ritual can be soothing, and prayer can be like meditation. I get all that–I just don’t get basing things like your morals, personal happiness, and love relationships on anything other than your own conscience. So, yeah, it seriously bothers me this guy lists his number one reason for not being in a gay relationship as his religion.

Secondly, I really take issue with his resistance to the label “bisexual.”

We already have a kind of biphobic societal vibe goin’ on. It’s kind of disgustingly annoying how many people (including therapists) try to insist bisexual guys are gay and in the closet. In my own experience, for a little while there, it was basically the available research vs. my guy’s word. The (scant) research available when he came out claimed women are “sexually fluid” and that guys are not. This made no sense to me — based both on logic and personal experience, such statements are irrational. If anything, it makes more sense to assume that most people are bisexual (ranging from 2-5 on the Kinsey Scale), with only a small percentage identifying as completely gay or completely straight.

Let’s face it, if you’re anywhere up to about a 3 on the Kinsey Scale, it’s easy to just go with the default and identify as straight, because it’s socially acceptable. And once you’ve joined Team Het or Team Rainbow, any indication of interest in the opposing team gets you labeled as either in denial/ in the closet/ self-hating.

So … if you go through all the social ostracization etc. of coming out as gay or lesbian, are you really going to “betray” your team, your chosen community, by saying, “Oh, wait, um, I was wrong. Kinda. It turns out I like ladies and gents.”

So my theory is that right now, too many people are threatened by the bisexuality label. They think it takes something away from their identities and chosen families. Both the pro-gay and the anti-gay movements fear the fluidity of bisexuality. Interestingly, Josh Weed and bisexuals I talk to pretty much describe their attraction in similar terms:

“Here is the basic reality that I actually think many people could use a lesson in: sex is about more than just visual attraction and lust and it is about more than just passion and infatuation. I won’t get into the boring details of the research here, but basically when sex is done right, at its deepest level it is about intimacy. It is about one human being connecting with another human being they love.” — Josh Weed, Club Unicorn

Yeah. I’ve been told, numerous times, that it’s not the bits that matter so much as the personality. We’ve talked about attraction and bisexual stereotypes– like the idea that bisexuals want to sleep with anything that moves and are born cheaters. I guess the best way to explain that is to ask if you want to sleep with every single member of your preferred gender. Probably not. Because you have standards.

I’m not saying physical attraction doesn’t play a role– we’ve all been in that awkward situation with a friend where one had stronger feelings than the other, and in those cases it’s often that while the personalities click, there’s just no chemistry.

Anyway, I’m rambling. Long story short, I think this Josh Weed guy is bisexual. Maybe a 5 or 6 on the Kinsey scale. I think he’s contributing to biphobia by pretending he’s not, and he’s not helping the LGBT community, either. His “revolutionary” self-outing as a gay man in a happy straight relationship is neither revolutionary nor new. Furthermore, he doesn’t need to term himself “Club Unicorn.” First off, because he keeps insisting he’s not bi, so he should probably not use bi slang to for his brand new club.

And second, because there’s already a term for this kind of relationship. It’s called being in the closet, or faking it til you make it. And you know what? Sometimes those relationships can be happy, because if you marry your best friend it’s probably going to be happy more often than not. If it works for them, it works for them.

I just can’t help but feel it’s really damaging to all the in-the-closet, bullied, self-loathing LGBT people out there to promote this myth that happiness within a hetero relationship is totally doable and oh-so-easy.

There are far more accounts of failed mixed-orientation marriages than there are like his 10-year-long success story, and I would hope most queer people choose a life partner based not on their religion’s requirements, but on their needs and desires.